Interview with Writer-Mama Judy Miller

There are five people I've met in my life who radiate something extra-ordinary, something truly remarkable about the human spirit: a boy named Esteban in Costa Rica, a young woman named Arwa in Virginia, a boy named Mikal in Japan, a girl named Katelyn in Memphis, and my husband, Dave.

From the second I met each of these people I knew, I sensed it, and I wasn't alone. Others commented on the same unusual special feeling they got when they were around these individuals.

Have you ever crossed paths with someone who seemed to be glowing with a special energy?

Today I am fortunate to have on my blog a sixth person who gives me such a feeling, even though I have never met her and given her a hug. Some day I hope too, but I already know she is like the people I mentioned above. She is phenomenal and since I began blogging and discovered her blog, I continually find peace and inspiration every single time I read her blog and her writing. There is something truly special about this woman.

So thank you Judy Miller for being so extraordinary and for showing us all what it means to be a true guiding light in this world that sometimes seems to weigh us all down!

Judy creates ripples where ever she goes, and trust me, she goes to a lot of places! I hope you'll enjoy this interview with Judy and her bio below. Please stop over to her blog if you haven't already become a reader of The International Mom's Blog!

Here is just a small sample of Judy's voice:

 Between Us

Every time I look at the moon and stars, in the deep quiet of the night, I send prayers and thoughts your way, believing you can feel my intentions and that they will find you healthy and happy. At peace.

She is our blessing. She is my heart and your soul. Born of you, adopted by me. Our daughter.

And to top off today's wonderful interview with Judy, every person who leaves a comment will be entered into the pool to win a free copy of Judy's book, What to Expect From Your Adopted Tween! By Sunday evening I will choose one person who leaves a comment at random using a random number generator, and he or she will receive a free copy of Judy's book. Just be sure to check back to see if you've won so I can get your email address!

The Passion

In the past two years you have had several major accomplishments: you've published an e-book (What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween), you are a presenter at conferences and symposiums, you're a column writer for Grown in My Heart, you're TheAdoption Pro for Parenting Squad's ProSquad, you've published essays and articles, you've continued your blog (The International Mom's Blog), and you've been raising four children! Whew! Judy, you are an inspiration to us all! What is the driving force behind all of these accomplishments? Years ago did you see yourself becoming a key voice in the world of parenting and adoption?

Judy: The driving force? College tuition. Actually, that’s not quite all of it; my kiddos inspire me to stretch myself as a woman and human being. I never imagined that my experiences with adoption (international and transracial) and parenting kids who were adopted would impact others. What I came to discover was that expanding our family through adoption required we become advocates—for our family, other families like ours, and for adoption…or be mowed over by the misinformation out there, i.e. ‘second best,” “damaged goods,” etc. I am passionate about my children and parenting them well, so naturally I discovered my voice, honing it through writing and it grew from there—into teaching, speaking at conferences, and into what I hope is the first of many e-guides. My parenting journey is one I love to share with others.

The Publication

WOW! Women On Writing recently published Issue 46, The E-Publishing Revolution, where they discuss the issues, challenges, and successes of digital publication. As you created your e-book, What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween, where did you go to find guidance for publishing your book digitally? What has been the biggest success and the biggest challenge from publishing your book online?

Judy: To learn how to create and micro-publish I took an amazing class from writing teacher and platform guru, Christina Katz: Micro-Publishing For Mom Writers. The biggest success that resulted from publishing my guide, What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween, was complete control over the final product, marketing and sales. The biggest challenge I experienced was learning the formatting and marketing the guide ongoing to my niche audience—adoptive parents.

The Personal

My readers range from mothers of adopted and biological children to writers and artists. As both a mother and a writer, how do you manage it all? You give so much of yourself to your family and the adoption community. What do you do to give yourself some 'me' time as well?

Judy: I try to balance and maintain spiritual, physical, and emotional health (not too easy some days…). As I tell the many parents I work with, “me” and “us” (couple) time is essential. Having happy, loving, connected parents is one of the greatest greats parents can give their child. Parenting four kids, although infinitely rewarding, can be exhausting. To replenish I try to find some quiet time each day, just for me. Quiet time is often one to two hours before my kids get up for the day or after they’ve gone to bed. If that doesn’t pan out, I try to get a walk in or go for a bike ride while they’re at school. I’m a big believer in the kitchen timer, to help me break larger projects into chunks, multi-tasking—doing laundry while I write, for example. After twenty years of marriage I still date my husband. Yep.

The People

Every day I come across an article or a story that spins a different angle on adoption: the let-down from an adoption that does not work out, a parent who regrets adopting a child, a non-adopter who sees adoption as a failed system, an outsider who can't understand how a multi-racial, mult-ethnic family can function, an adopted child who struggles with the question if he should find his biological parents. And then I read your blog and blogs of other parents who have adopted and I am uplifted and inspired! I am a mother of two, soon to be three, daughters, all of whom I've given birth to. My husband and I would both love to adopt a child one day, but I think we might find our family of five to be the right number for us. But I want to still offer myself to the adoption community. When I read your blog and the articles or stories that spin different angles on adoption, I feel a strong desire to help. There are so many views and opinions about adoption, and because I have no experience in it I feel like I shouldn't step in and help. But I want to. What advice can you give to individuals like me, who believe so strongly in adoption but don't have any experience with it, but want to help some way?

Judy: I’m not sure what you mean by “help,” but what I would share is that grace and compassion are appreciated. Offer support and withhold judgment. Be thoughtful with your questions and comments to parents who have adopted and children who have been adopted. Teach your children that people adopt because they wanted to be parents and love their children as much as you love the children you gave birth to. Also share that families come in different “packages.” Families created through or added to via adoption are “real.” They view themselves as similar to other families and want to be accepted as such. I do offer a lot of perspective and offer questions for reflection on my website, http://JudyMMiller.com, where I feel people gain a great deal of insight about adoption and parenting children who have been adopted.

Thank you Judy for giving us such an in-depth, honest insight into your life and the journey you've been on! This interview is sure to touch many hearts today!

Please be sure to leave a comment on today's post for a chance to win a free copy of Judy's book!

Judy M. Miller is an adoptive parent and adoption advocate living in the Midwest with her husband and four children. She coordinates and teaches parent preparation education to parents who are in the adoption process: parenting and adoption, adopted children, preparation and adjustment, and transracial parenting, as well as Parenting Your Adopted Child: Tweens, Teens & Beyond. Judy also works as a support specialist, assisting parents and their children with information and techniques to equip and empower them during challenging times. 

Judy presented on "Finding Our Stories Online" at Stories of the Heart in Austin, TX and has appeared on MomTV’s Adoption Angles and TogiNet’s Adoption ~ Journey to Motherhood.  Judy spoke at the Parenting Summit in March 2011. She will present at the Symposium 2011 Opening Adoption: Realities, Possibilities, and Challenges in Richmond, VA and the Crossroads of America Adoption Conference in Indianapolis, IN this September.  

Judy is the Adoption Pro for Parenting Squad’s ProSquad and a columnist for the adoption network, Grown in My Heart. Her essays and articles appear in adoption and parenting magazines and her stories are featured in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families (Adams Media), Pieces of Me: Who Do I Want to Be? (EMK Press), Chicken Soup for the Soul: Thanks Mom (Chicken Soup for the Soul), Sensational Journeys (Future Horizons), and Women Writing on Family (The Key Publishing House Inc., January 2012). She is the author of What to Expect From Your Adopted Tween.

She's On a Roll

In 7th grade a friend of mine once confided in me that she French rolled her jeans to perfection just before choir class in hopes that the popular girls would be impressed by her jeans and accept her into their group. Within a few months, my friend had already had s.e.x. with one of the boys in the popular crowd to pursue her desire to be 'in' with certain people. Rolling forward into 8th grade, my friend then began throwing back shots of Vodka after school with the popular kids, and that really marked the dwindling end of our friendship.




When my older sister was in middle school just three years before me, students were only making out and kissing. And just a generation or two before us, middle school students were only holding hands and passing notes. Today I hear in the news that my friend's actions in 7th grade now occur among boys and girls in elementary school, so I can't even begin to imagine what is happening in the shadows of middle school.



Now how does a writer-mama relate to these children?

Before our first daughter was born, my husband and I did not want to know her gender. We anticipated the surprise. Upon her delivery, my husband took a minute before he announced proudly "It's a girl!" In that minute I imagine a thousand thoughts of worry ran through his head: some day I will have a teenage daughter, some day I will have to have 'the' talk with her, some day I may have to give her hand away in marriage, some day I will see her become a mother. We are so happy to have two daughters (and a third one on the way), and whether we had a daughter or son we both would think about their future days among peers with pressures that my friend in middle school experienced.

I have discovered teenage girls reading X-rated books. And I'm not talking about books with heated passion. No, these books go way beyond that with abusive, drug-induced, scary-in-the-details s.e.x.

These teens had only recently entered their teen years. As an adult I was in disbelief and worried about the future of our children. As a writer my mind got lost in one question:

Who writes these horrible books and why do they get published? 

At the time I found the teenage girls reading these books (in the classroom), I was a teacher. Confronting the parents did little to prevent the girls from reading more books like these, because the parents said they did not monitor what their children read.


Monitoring what our kids read is a topic for another day, but come on, a book about the details of s.e.x. bordering rape and more, how can anyone let any child read that?


Well, getting back to being a writer-mama... How do we relate to the young adolescents today in our writing and parenting when so much more serious stuff is going on among them, stuff we didn't experience or see or hear about until we were several years older?

I want to write for my daughters and children around the world.
I want what I write to inspire them to lead healthy, positive, adventurous lives.
I want my readers to close my book feeling encouraged to believe in themselves, to embrace themselves, and to have the courage to stand tall in the inundating wave of peer pressure.

But I also want to relate to my readers, to describe what they are experiencing and witnessing in their day-to-day lives, to be in touch with them and say 'hey, I understand what you're going through.' A frequent comment among my students when I taught 9th grade was, "Mrs. Zook, you get us. Maybe it's because you're so young." I don't want to stop "getting children and adolescents" as I get older. I imagine having children will always help me relate to them, but as a writer I need to reach children of all backgrounds, of all experiences so my writing can touch each person who opens my book.

I hope my friend, who rolled into 8th grade on a different path than me, is happy and healthy today.
I hope the teenage girls whom I taught have found happy and healthy relationships.
I hope I will be able to relate to my daughters, my readers no matter what direction they roll in life.

I first posted this on my blog back in 2009, but I wanted to share it with you again in hopes to learn more from my readers about how they relate to the adolescents of today.

A is for Apple, B is for Boobies

Day One of a Blog Series on Conversations with My Daughters

"Conversation 1: You Are More Than the Sum of Your Parts"

In case you missed it, I am doing a five post blog series on conversations with my daughters. After reading Vicki Courtney's book, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, I decided to reflect on how each conversation takes place between me and my daughters (ages almost-4 and 2).

It's bath time and my oldest daughter is sitting in a pile of white bubbles (I stubbed my toe oh so accidentally with the bubble bath soap). My youngest steps gingerly into the bubbles, she doesn't like them. Bubble baths only happen once a month in our house, because my little girl usually won't take a bath if there are bubbles in the tub.

My oldest daughter pats bubbles on her chest and says to me, "Mommy, why do we have to keep boobies safe?"

I look at her and stutter. "Uh, um, what do you mean? Like in a bra?"

"No," she says. I look perplexed, she looks curious.

"Why did something happen at school today?"

"Yes," my daughter replies. "A girl hit the teacher on her boobies and the teacher said 'Ouch' and that boobies have to be protected."

I watch my daughter make a bikini top out of bubbles.

"Well, I guess it's because it doesn't feel good to get hit anywhere on the body, so we protect our body everywhere."

Somehow my explanations don't always sound very convincing.

"And now, Mommy, you have to keep your boobies safe because they're bigger."

For a second time, I am a stuttering mess. I look down at my chest. Yes, at four months of pregnancy my chest is getting bigger I guess. I hadn't really noticed. But my little apparently has. How is that possible?

"I guess so Sweetie. Come on. Let's finish getting cleaned up."

And so she happily goes about playing with bubbles, while I sit and wonder if this is just the first stepping stone in talking about our bodies.

Later, after my girls are fast asleep, I bury my nose in "Conversation 1: You Are More Than the Sum of Your Parts" from Vicki Courtney's book 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter. I reread the chapters about how we view beauty and how we can find a balance in complimenting our daughters about the outer beauty and inner beauty.

A few months ago my oldest daughter suddenly left princesses behind her and moved on to superheroes. She knows all of them by name and superpower. She wears her Spiderman costume around the house. For her upcoming 4-year-old birthday party she wants it to be a Superman and Spiderman theme.  We even bought a Batman pinata that is taller than my daughter.

One day I asked my daughter, "Why do you like superheroes so much now?"

"Because they do things Mama."

At night she wants stories about heroes who save others, who stand up for what is right, who find qualities about people and values those qualities. The Paper Bag Princess struck a cord with her awhile back, when she still lived in the fairytale land of princesses. In her eyes, all princesses married their princes.

"Why didn't she get married?" my daughter asked at the end of the story.

"Because the prince was more worried about how she looked. He didn't say thank you for being brave and smart. So I guess the princess realized he didn't love her for who she is."

"Who is she Mama?"

"She is a girl who had courage to stand up to a dragon and outsmart it."

"Oh. Okay."

And so at this time, our conversations are not very deep about character, but my daughter's inner beauty radiates strongly every day and each day I bring up these qualities when I see them sparkle or wither, and why. I also say she looks beautiful when she is stepping out of the swimming pool or after she's been jumping on the trampoline. But most of all I say to her that I love her for who she is, not what she does.

And my youngest daughter listens intently and finds herself getting hugged for the little things she shows me every day in her two-year-old way.

Conversations may start out small at this age, but they are so rewarding to me as a mom.

Conversations With . . .

Two girls, soon to be three. My girls.

Soon after hearing the news that I am going to have a third daughter, like on the drive home from the ultrasound office, a question popped up in front of me as I watched two teenage girls walk down the sidewalk in barely there clothing: How do I prepare my daughters for their future?

How many times in a day are we as women bombarded with how we should look and act and feel? So many that I've lost count. I'm grateful we don't have cable; it means my daughters aren't exposed to this form of media.

But it's all there, waiting for them: the billboards, the fashion magazines, the ads, the Internet, their peers... Of course, we can't live in a bubble.

My mom taught me from early on the value of looking someone in the eye during a conversation. From this, I learned the importance of the conversation: the kind of conversation - the realistic kind.

So during my drive home and feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising three daughters in today's world, I realized conversations can start early. I'm not talking about serious conversations that unsettle a four-year-old and two-year-old, but conversations nevertheless to help them as they grow up in today's world.

I've always parented from the style of 'learning as we go along.' But this time, I decided I didn't want to get it wrong, so I bought a parenting book: Five Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, by Vicki Courtney. Vicki Courtney's book, Five Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, captured me from the beginning.

(I've only read one parenting book prior to now: Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, when my husband and I were seeking answers to why our colicky daughter transformed into a high-spirited little girl with amazing talents who keeps us on our toes. And it was a tremendous help! But since then, I haven't picked up another parenting book.)



When images like this pop up in the media:

my first reaction is to laugh.

These beautiful women have been Photoshopped so obviously that it looks so unreal, so fake it is laughable. But then the serious side of me kicks in and the sunny side fades way into a somber mood.

My girls, many girls, don't know that images are skewed, changed, altered, airbrushed, chopped, and chiseled. What they see is, in their minds, real.

Society and the media keep us in a vicious cycle of wanting and teasing and disappointing and searching. But a mom is not helpless, we are quite powerful actually. My mom is a role model for this.

Sure I grew up wishing I had straight hair instead of corkscrew curls, size A or even B instead of a C, an hourglass shape instead of a rectangle, and of course, a smaller nose. But I didn't lose sleep over my wishes, I didn't have an eating disorder thankfully, and I didn't go the route of changing my appearance to make myself into the ideal female body projected by the media. And I thank my mother for keeping me on course. She taught me what was important: my self, my inner me, my character.

She made me strong.
She gave me a gift, the power of belief in oneself.

And it all came about through conversations. The power of words astounds me.

So for my next five posts I am doing a series on five conversations I have with my own daughters. Five conversations that stem from Vicki Courtney's book and how even conversations with my little ones may help guide them on the right path.

Multicultural Mothering

Last week I posted a list and review of some fantastic mother literature books. And today we traveling half way around the world to Japan to meet with Suzanne Kamata, editor of Call Me Okaasan from the Mother Lit List! Suzanne has been a very positive role model for me, and her encouragement has helped me to keep going and have hope.

I am so fortunate to have discovered Call Me Okaasan soon after its publication in 2009, because as a mom of a newborn as well as a toddler my world quickly became overwhelming. Motherhood took on a new meaning for me with two children under the age of two. I found this book to be like a bridge for me in that journey of learning how to be a mom to more than one child.

This book quickly expanded my impression of being a mother, because it connected me with mothers across the globe. It is extraordinary in its depth and diversity. And I am so honored to have Suzanne Kamata, the editor of Call Me Okaasan, here on my blog today!

1. Thank you Suzanne for being here today. Your anthology is an extraordinary feat as it connects mothers around the globe. How did reaching out to these writers and mothers across the world influence you as a mother and a writer?
 

Thank you, Kim. As I mentioned in the introduction, it took a little bit of effort to track down stories on mothering across cultures. But once I found some of these mother/writers, I realized that there were many others puzzling over the same issues of culture and language. I became even more convinced that there is a need for writing on these topics, and that I should continue writing about mothering in a multicultural family.

2. What role might multicultural parenting play as our communities and societies become connected on a more international level?

I like to think that multicultural families will someday form a bridge between monocultural familes. It seems as if there are still a lot of parents who don't understand the value of having their child learn a second language, or of understanding other cultures. Many Americans still seem suspicious of President Obama's multicultural background. I think it's good to have a connection to one's culture and community, but not at the expense of compassion for one's fellow world citizens.

3. As a well-published author, how have your books and being an author influenced your experiences of living in another country?

As an expatriate in Japan, I often fumble through my daily life. Even after twenty plus years of living in Japan, my Japanese isn't perfect, and I continue to make cultural blunders. Having had some success in writing gives me confidence that I might not otherwise have. It also allows me to feel connnected with the wider world, outside of the conservative farming commuity where I live. I think I might feel claustrophobic if I wasn't able to reach out via writing.

Also, since I write in English, I have a certain sense of freedom and privacy. If I write something personal, it may be read by many people on the other side of the world, but it won't change my children's classmates' parents' perceptions of me. My neighbors won't be offended.  

4. When it comes to multicultural parenting, what challenges do you see most parents facing across the globe?

Ignorance and prejudice among monocultural parents present the biggest challenge, I think. Also, some cultures are more dominant than others, so it's sometimes a little hard to convince kids that their second culture is worth keeping.  But thanks to the Internet, and to the increase in multicultural families, I think parenting across cultures will become easier. Or at least it won't feel so lonely!

Thank you again Suzanne!

You're welcome!

Suzanne has published some amazing books! Please check out her website to learn more about her as an author!

The Mother Lit List

Motherhood and Writing! 

That's what my blog is all about, so naturally I have many books about it.

Today is Day 3 of getting my blogging grove going! 

Here's a list and short review of the ones on my bookshelf! And stay tuned, next week I will be interviewing some of these editors/writers here on my blog!

1. Milk & Ink - Eros-Alegra Clarke and her editorial team (Jordan E. Rosenfeld, Tomi L. Wiley, and Nina Perez) have created an anthology of such amazing, diverse pieces that ties together blood, milk and ink and what these mean for mothers. I felt as if I was stepping into the shoes of so many different mothers while reading this book, it was hard to put it down!

2. Call Me Okaasan - This is one of the books that inspired me to create The Motherhood Muse. Reading this book was an experience that took me across the globe, forward and backward in time. Suzanne Kamata unites mothers by giving us a treasure that shows how motherhood is a journey we share no matter the culture or country.

3. Nature and Other Mothers -I love how Brenda Peterson's writing in this book connects women with the aspects of nature through the lens of a mother and the feminine body. These essays tugged at my imagination, kept me awake at night, and have helped me develop my perspectives and understandings of mothers and nature.

4. Between Interruptions -Have you discovered Cori Howard's The Momoir Project yet? Her anthology, website, digital workbook, and more have aided me to become a better writer mama! This anthology is an exceptional collaboration of some of the most talented writers I have ever read.

5. Mother Reader - This is the first book I read about mothers and writing, and it truly is a collection of the essential writings on motherhood. Edited by Moyra Davey, the Mother Reader combines old and new voices across generations and time. It has been a book at the foundation of my reading about mothers and writing.

6. Mothers - This is the book I carry with me in the car, because each story takes time to read, think about and comprehend. Katrina Kenison and Kathleen Hirsch have created a body of work that brings every emotion of the spectrum to the surface when reading these stories.

7. the essential Hip Mama - Ariel Gore has two books on my shelf (see #12) and both are fantastic reads. This book was fun to read, because it was different, hip yes, but also hilarious and touching. Each piece is like a snapshot into a mother's life that holds a spark all on its own.

8. A Cup of Comfort for New Mothers -After connecting with several authors in this book via blogs, I purchased it at a bookstore and have enjoyed reading these tender moments shared by so many. Colleen Sell has an amazing set of authors in this book, and although the book was published in 2009 I have seen some of these writers grow so much as mothers by reading their blogs. I have learned a lot along the way!

9. Milk and Tides - Margaret Hasse's book of poetry opened a whole new world for me. I have only a few books of poetry on my bookshelf, and Milk and Tides is chosen over and over again. When I read "Marking Him" I cried and held the book to my chest for a long time. Her poems reach out to all mothers with words that magically transform the reader.

10. Creating a Life -Corbin Lewars has written a rare book of pure honesty about being a mother and a woman. It helped me to understand life on different levels while teaching me that hope is shared by all.

11. MotherMorphosis -I read Caroline Poser's book in one day (which isn't easy to do when you've got little ones running around), but I couldn't put it down. These vignettes shine with details of motherhood that I don't always think about or even see in myself. I was so inspired after reading this book that I wrote and wrote and wrote for a long time!

12. The Mother Trip -My second Ariel Gore book and one that I read when my first daughter was still a baby. This book really threw me for a loop, it is very different, thought-provoking and painted the realty of motherhood for me that I hadn't heard or read anywhere else. I'm glad I read it; many parts of it have stayed with me all this time.

13. The New Yorker Book of Mom Cartoons - Okay, so I know this book isn't full of essays, short stories, or poetry, but I love it so I had to include it here. These little cartoons offer comic relief for me during those hard mommy moments when I feel like screaming. I just open this book at random, get a laugh, and then I get a grip and continue on.

I know there are several more books out there on motherhood and writing, but these are the ones on my shelf. Please share with me the books that are on your shelf!

A Better Mom, A Better Writer

Some nights, long after I get my girls to bed and sleep doesn't come to me, I toss and turn and then the question comes to my mind: what could I have done better today. My best mommy moments definitely don't happen at the end of the day. With my husband deployed and my girls waking frequently during the night, I am exhausted by dinner time.

The 15 minute interval it takes to get my girls upstairs and ready for their bath is sometimes my least favorite time, because they want to run around being banshees and I just want to be alone. I feel horrible if I snap and bark to get them upstairs. In the back of my head I know I could do it better, but I'm too depleted of fun energy to make it an adventure for them.

Once they're in the tub it's all giggles again, because what is cuter than two little naked kids splashing and laughing in the tub together! Still those 15 minutes of "tired, unhappy mama" time stay with me when I can't fall asleep in bed. What can I do different? Not just in those 15 minutes, but throughout the day.

I regret the time my children spend watching television. I feel guilty if I haven't gotten down on the floor to play with them much.

But then I also ask myself "What can I do different for me?" If I am this tired, doing this all alone, despite having preschool, a Mom's Morning Out once a week, and a babysitter, then what can I change. Actually when an optimal week works out (no one is sick, so I get the breaks with preschool, Mom's Morning Out, and a babysitter) then I have more patience and energy. But those kind of weeks don't always happen.

When I start to question myself as a mommy the conversation usually rolls around to me. Am I happy? Am I doing enough for myself? Why am I not writing more? How can I become a better writer? How can I get more time for myself?

I haven't read too many books on parenting, maybe just one (How to Raise Your Spirited Child). I certainly have read a lot of books on this list for the 50 Books That Will Make You a Better Writer! Each one gives me a new insight into writing and myself as a writer. I crave books on writing, so a list like this one is a valid resource for someone like me. But why don't I feel the need to read books on parenting?

I don't feel like I am SuperMom. I know I have faults. I am all too aware of the struggles and challenges with parenting. And yet, perhaps I am more confident as a mom since I don't need to read books about parenting. Or maybe I am just too chicken to read them in fear that I might realize I am doing so many things wrong?

This post may make it sound like I am either a horrible mom, or I think of myself as a horrible mom. This isn't how I feel or see myself all day long. It's just those tiny snapshot moments of when I break and am not at my best that bother me.

I hope my children's happiness and love of life somehow reflect a bit of me as their mother. I hope some day they might also reflect bits of me as a woman, a writer, a lover of learning and life, and a spiritual being.

I wonder if reading parenting books might help me feel better about those not so good mommy moments. Reading books on how to become a better writer certainly make me feel better. How come I can't get myself to walk over to the parenting help aisle at the library to even browse the parenting books? Maybe I will. Someday.

Author Interview: Fiona Ingram

Hop on over to my other blog today (The Motherhood Muse) for a chance to win a free book by Fiona Ingram and to read her interview!!

Author Interview: Fiona Ingram

My new venture, The Motherhood Muse, is quickly growing in size and I'm loving every moment of it! Unfortunately it is leaving me with little time to blog; however, I wanted to make an announcement on my blog about an upcoming post!

The Motherhood Muse blog will be hosting its first author interview on Monday November 9th! Fiona Ingram, author of The Secret of the Sacred Scarab, will be talking with us about her new book, which was just nominated as a Finalist in the Children's Fiction section of the USA National Best Books 2009 Awards! It also received the same award earlier this year in the New Generation 2009 Indie Book Awards!

Fiona will be giving away a free copy of her book on my blog on Monday, so I hope you will swing on by!

A Super Hero With a Pen in Her Hand

Mama Kat's Writers Workshop Rocks! Thank you Mama Kat for helping so many of us writer-mamas find our muse every Thursday :)

4) If you were a super hero, what would your super power be and why?

My super hero power may not be all that super nor heroic, but it's one I would choose today for the sake of my 2 year old and 3 month old daughters: the ability to transport myself and anyone else into books, so we could experience the story as if living in it.

If my blog name doesn't give it away, I imagine my super hero power does: I'm addicted to books. I live and breathe books and writing. If I were a worm I know I would live inside a book.

But to inspire others, especially my children, to love books as deeply as I do, that's a challenge. It thrills me to see my toddler sitting by herself looking at books, studying the illustrations under her nose and mouthing certain words. But I have to remind myself to keep a steady hand on the reins, the day may come when she may not want to read a book (or books for hours on end like I did in my childhood).

So if I could be a super hero I would love to be able to take children (and adults) on journeys into books so they could experience the story with all five senses. Better than a movie, even a 3-d one at that. As characters in the story we could have all kinds of powers: flight, strength, speed, dragon-fighting kung foo...

It's good to dream. Maybe one day I'll publish a book that will inspire my girls to continue to read since their mommy is a writer. For now I just live in the moment of having my two little girls sit on my lap as I read a book to them, over and over again.

Tuesday Tribute

WOW! Women on Writing is a fantastic source for women and writers! They are like a book and more to me, so I thought it would work to pay tribute today to them! I imagine most of my readers have utilized WOW! by now, but in case you haven't I encourage you to check them out.

I would like to shout out a big thank you to WOW! (and in particular Angela and Jodi) for the many ways they have helped me become the writer-mama I am today. Jodi has helped me get authors for interviews here on my blog in the past and Angela has given me a lot of advice for a new project I'm working on. WOW! also recently gave me a wonderful set of prizes for winning 3rd place in the Winter 2009 Writing Contest. So Thank You WOW!!

My baby was born June 1st and by the second week in June I had begun working on a new project (a new website, blog, newsletter and literary magazine). Most of my summer consisted of wonderful moments with my baby and toddler, but somehow I managed to continue working on my new venture. Thanks to WOW! I made a lot of progress with it over the summer, so the launch of it is now set for October 5th!

Here are a few great links to pursue within WOW! Women on Writing''s website:

Fall 2009 Flash Fiction Writing Contest

The Muffin: Fresh News Daily

A fantastic interview with a writer-mama (Maria Laurino)

A preview of just one of the great books I received from WOW! for the contest

Thank you WOW! for helping me along in my journey of being a writer-mama!

Writing Announcements

25 Best Writing Blogs
Maria Schneider at Editor Unleashed collected nominations and votes for the best blogs on writing! Here are the final results for different categories! All of these blogs on writing are helpful no matter your experience and pursuit of writing!

Magazine Sale
Brain, Child! It's one of the best literary magazines I've encountered. And they have a sale going on right now. So if you don't subscribe but you're interested, nows the time to sign up!
Mom Writer's Literary Magazine, another awesome magazine on motherhood, is posting a sale on its subscription right now!

Women Writer's Guide
Are your children back in school? Have some time to look into freelance writing? WOW! Women on Writing offers this terrific guide to help you put your writing into publication!

Giveaway from Writer-Mama
Each day a new book and a new topic! She also lists each giveaway (a different one each day), so you can find a good list of references here as well.

Contests
A fantastic HUGE list of writing contests!

Here's hoping we all have a little bit of extra time this weekend for writing!

Two Little Bookworms

Yesterday I took my two-year-old and 3-month-old to the library. Our visits to the library have drastically matured from running and chasing and yelling to walking and sitting and reading.

My toddler loves to sit in a bean bag and read books. Yesterday I sat her baby sister beside her in the bean bag and my toddler nestled into her and began showing her the pages of her book. My writer-mama heart melted in a puddle of love at my feet.

To see my daughters sharing a book is going to be one of the best experiences of my life. On my list of things I'm grateful for in life, books come right after family, health, and freedom. I love books. But even more, I love seeing my daughters sharing a moment full of love over a book.

The Moral of the Story Is...

The Fall issue of Brain, Child has arrived! I savor it like a dark chocolate Wilbur bud, reading one piece every night and reflecting on it before falling asleep. (Did you know these are BETTER than Hershey Kisses, and they make fantastic gifts!!!)
Getting back to Brain, Child...the first essay I read this month, Love, Tween Style by Veronica Chater, fascinated me with its insights into the hormonal minds of adolescent boys. The author describes how she refrains from stepping in with advice for her adolescent boys, and realizes that her sons arrive at the same conclusion of moral advice on their own.

Parenting isn't the only method of influencing our children's decisions: the books they read teach children morals either directly or indirectly. The conclusions of Aesop's fables always centered on "the moral of the story is..."

Although today's publishers stay away from such direct obvious statements about morals, many children's books have messages in them for the readers. Parents may or may not choose to directly discuss the moral or message of a story with a child, but the child takes it in one way or another.

What's your favorite message or moral from a children's book? How did it influence you as a child?

A Book Lover's Surprise

A BOOK MEME from Other Stories

Now that summer is ending I thought I would take a gander at the books I've read and loved. My toddler inspires me with her love for books. I'm curious what books you have read and love, so if you'd like to do this meme here are the directions:

BBC Book List

Apparently the BBC reckons most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here.

Instructions:

1) Look at the list and make those you have read bold.
2) Star (*) the ones you LOVE.
3) Italicize those you plan on reading.

1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen *
2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling *
5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee (I read this in high school, but I don't remember it)
6 The Bible (I’ve read about half of it.)
7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell (I got through the 1st third and stopped)
9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens (I tried but didn't get past the first chapter)
11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott *
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (not the COMPLETE works; I'm curious who has?)
15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger*
20 Middlemarch – George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll*
30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy*
32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens (I tried but didn't get past the second page)
33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis (I’ve read the first book, but not the whole series.)
34 Emma – Jane Austen
35 Persuasion – Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere
39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden*
40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne
41 Animal Farm – George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50 Atonement – Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel*
52 Dune – Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen (a high school read needing to be read again)
55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72 Dracula – Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett*
74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses – James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal – Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession – AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens (the only one I read all the way through)
82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery*
93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94 Watership Down – Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare *
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl*
100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

Wow, only 33 books I've read. I'm in shock. Here I thought I was a well-read bookworm. It appears I have a date with the library to do some catching up. Ah, where to begin? I think I'll check out #83 first.

Some of these in bold I've read so many times I have lost count. I like knowing a book so well I can share ideas from it with my children. But some of these I've read I don't recall very well, so once I read the remaining 67 books maybe I'll get back to them ;)

What book will you be reading next?

The Promise of a Book

Books.

It doesn't matter where we read them or what we are wearing,





if we're a girl or boy,

or who is watching us,

or what the pictures show,

or what book is waiting in line,

or if we're hungry,

or if we're 0 or 100,

or if we're alone or with someone,

books are beautiful treasures holding promises of enchanting worlds waiting to be discovered again and again.

Crying Over Spilled Milk

Life with a two year old (Ayla) and a two month old (Grace) certainly isn't lacking of tears. The crying, however, only seems to happen when I am home alone with my two girls!

For example, yesterday my parents left and this is how the day went with only me at home (Note: the girls didn't shed more than a tear or two during the time their grandparents were here):

6:30a.m. - Ayla cries when she finds out her grandparents and daddy aren't home when she wakes up.

7:00a.m. - Ayla cries again when I have to vacuum the couch after she decided to run into the family room with her corn muffin to eat it on the couch while I was nursing Grace in the kitchen. Grace cries because the vacuum is loud and she is in my arms.



7:30a.m. - Ayla cries when I make her get out of her PJs so I can change her poopy diaper. Grace cries because I have to put her down while I change Ayla.



8:30a.m. - Ayla cries because I won't let her watch anymore Elmo on t.v. 45 minutes is enough.



noon - Ayla cries because she doesn't want to nap. Grace cries because Ayla woke her up.



3:30p.m. - Ayla cries because she doesn't want to leave the library, but Grace is crying so loud that we have to.

7:30p.m. - Ayla cries because her daddy had to go to a meeting and couldn't put her down for the night.



7:31p.m. - Ayla CRIES because I discover THIS UNDER HER BED:



AND I GET VERY UPSET! Books are treasured in our house, but my stern voice telling her "No More Books" upsets Ayla even more.


7:32p.m. - Ayla CRIES because she's now worried she'll never have anymore books and they are her lovies.


7:33p.m. - Grace HOWLS because now Ayla's cries and my loud upset voice are keeping her awake.


7:34p.m. - Ayla cries soft tears saying "I'm sorry" and "Mama" over and over.


7:35p.m. - I'm crying because I love my girls so much. Disciplining my toddler is the hardest thing for me to do. My heart was breaking trying to teach her that we can't tear pages out of books and rip books apart.


We ended the night with lots of hugs and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star before I put Ayla down for the night. And fortunately Grace's cries slowly ended as she too fell asleep in my arms before I put her down.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Two year olds may rip and tear books apart if left unattended.
2. When home alone with two children tears are more common, because I can't seem to please both of them at the same time all day long.
3. Disciplining a child is hard and heartbreaking.
4. Disciplining a child teaches them what is right and wrong.
5. Disciplining a child can make even the parent feel like crying.
6. Loving a child is the best feeling in the world.
7. At the end of the day, I still look forward to the next day with my two girls with excitement and anticipation for all of the fun we have.

For more lessons learned from my toddler keep scrolling down to see yesterday's post "Toddler Tales Top Ten!"

Once Upon a Heroine

We have enough children's books in our house to fill up at least two bookcases, maybe three. I'm addicted to them. My toddler loves them. Even my baby gazes at them occasionally as she bobbles her head looking around the room.

A few of my daughter's books, however, bother me and I wish we had never bought them. They are far from empowering my daughter in the direction I'd like. One book describes picking out the perfect dress to impress a prince. A second book chronicles the 'struggle' of a lady planning a party in order to make her husband happy. A third is all about looking great by using makeup to please the hubby.

These books sent me on a search and this is what I found:

It's great! It lists fantastic books, many of which I've never read, for girls of different ages. The titles are listed with descriptive paragraphs about the book.

So if you have a daughter and find yourself wishing for more appropriate books to guide her into becoming a heroine, I recommend this book!

The Hot and Cold of Childhood

As a new mom I quickly learned the extreme states of a child that go way beyond happy or sad, awake or tired, and full or hungry.

Ann Whitford Paul notes in her book Writing Picture Books that children have strong emotions, are complicated, and long to be independent. This creates for a mixture of highly variable states of being cast not only in black and white, but every color of the rainbow. For any parent, trying to determine what state of mind and heart a child is in can be quite challenging, frustrating, exhausting, overwhelming, yet all worth it when we take a step forward with them in understanding what a child is feeling and thinking.

The simplest thing may swing the balance for my daughter: giving her a grape Popsicle instead of a cherry one, letting her get one book at the bookstore instead of two, leaving the playground to get home in time to cook a meal, excusing myself to use the bathroom while she is playing, not giving our dog her leftover food, giving our dog her leftover food, putting her shoes on the correct feet, or only putting one pair of Little Mermaid panties on instead of all five.

A child's immediate world is a serious one in the sense that they are strongly connected to the things around them. Change is difficult. Independence is craved yet scary. Imaginations soar with the tiniest of worlds. And intuition comes naturally.

It's no wonder why children develop a relationship with books that goes way beyond loving them. My daughter brings anywhere between her five favorite books to 20 books into her toddler bed with her each night. She sits and reads them over and over. She cuddles with them. She sleeps on them. They are there to greet her upon waking up. She seeks them out when she needs comfort or wants to share a giggle with them. They are her best friends.

Books offer children a place to learn the hot and cold states of being. Each book presents an idea, a character, an emotion, an experience that helps the child to understand their own immediate world.

As a writer-mama I look for books that speak to children on many levels about a variety of topics written in different styles. Reading books from my childhood to my daughter help me remember the significance they had in my life while growing up and it feels like going home. I still find comfort in reading children's books. Reading these books to my daughter also helps me understand her world a little bit better as I learn how the story influences and shapes her mind and heart.

A Friendly Book Relationship

During my senior year in high school I played a game of questions with my friends. Sitting in a circle we had to name one person present who was least likely to stay in touch with everyone after we graduated. A unanimous vote from over a dozen friends chose me. I was a little hurt, but at that moment I began to accept what I knew to be true.

Long before that game, maybe even going back to elementary school, I didn't mind being alone. Even in high school when my friends spent evenings talking to each other on the phone (this was before IMing) and weekends driving up and down the streets of downtown, I preferred my own company. I did enjoy hanging out with my friends, but I had just as much fun, if not more, being by myself. Books and writing were just a more enticing way to spend my free time. I've always been a bookworm, but also a bit of a loner lost in painting, hiking, reading, and thinking.

One of my biggest faults as a person is not putting in the effort I should to maintain friendships. I haven't seen my high school friends since the day I graduated (my parents moved out of state during my senior year, but I could still put forth an effort to see my old friends). I haven't seen my two best friends from college nor my friends from grad school in many years. I still don't call on the phone or write emails or log on to Facebook very often.

Although I still prefer reading and writing over talking, I simply lack a lot of time to keep in touch with people. As a mother and a writer, the minutes of my day are completely consumed. Any free moment I have when I don't spend it with my daughter is given to writing. Some days I get only a handful of minutes to write, but if I'm lucky I get two hours in a single day. I live for those longer writing moments.

But as a writer-mama I have begun to ask myself how my character flaw impacts my writing and my parenting. How well can I write about human relationships when mine are so few? What type of role model am I for my daughter by not keeping up with friends? My actions don't equal my feelings, because my friends and family mean a great deal to me. I get emotional talking about them, but to an outsider my feelings may appear shallow since I don't correspond with my friends, keeping up with the highs and lows of their day-to-day lives. I love my friends, but I also love being alone.

I am also guilty of loving books. But can a person love books too much? So much that it takes away the love I have to physically give to others? My husband understands my passion for reading and writing, and fortunately supports me in both. Last year for Mother's Day he took me to an enormous gymnasium full of books for sale! I was in heaven and felt truly grateful to have a husband, a best friend who gives me so much love. But I wonder if the friends in my life understand this about me. Have I hurt them in the past because I chose to read or write over calling them or spending the evening out with them?

Do books and/or writing consume your free time, taking you away from other things that matter to you? Do you try to reach a balance?