Long before that game, maybe even going back to elementary school, I didn't mind being alone. Even in high school when my friends spent evenings talking to each other on the phone (this was before IMing) and weekends driving up and down the streets of downtown, I preferred my own company. I did enjoy hanging out with my friends, but I had just as much fun, if not more, being by myself. Books and writing were just a more enticing way to spend my free time. I've always been a bookworm, but also a bit of a loner lost in painting, hiking, reading, and thinking.
One of my biggest faults as a person is not putting in the effort I should to maintain friendships. I haven't seen my high school friends since the day I graduated (my parents moved out of state during my senior year, but I could still put forth an effort to see my old friends). I haven't seen my two best friends from college nor my friends from grad school in many years. I still don't call on the phone or write emails or log on to Facebook very often.
Although I still prefer reading and writing over talking, I simply lack a lot of time to keep in touch with people. As a mother and a writer, the minutes of my day are completely consumed. Any free moment I have when I don't spend it with my daughter is given to writing. Some days I get only a handful of minutes to write, but if I'm lucky I get two hours in a single day. I live for those longer writing moments.
But as a writer-mama I have begun to ask myself how my character flaw impacts my writing and my parenting. How well can I write about human relationships when mine are so few? What type of role model am I for my daughter by not keeping up with friends? My actions don't equal my feelings, because my friends and family mean a great deal to me. I get emotional talking about them, but to an outsider my feelings may appear shallow since I don't correspond with my friends, keeping up with the highs and lows of their day-to-day lives. I love my friends, but I also love being alone.
I am also guilty of loving books. But can a person love books too much? So much that it takes away the love I have to physically give to others? My husband understands my passion for reading and writing, and fortunately supports me in both. Last year for Mother's Day he took me to an enormous gymnasium full of books for sale! I was in heaven and felt truly grateful to have a husband, a best friend who gives me so much love. But I wonder if the friends in my life understand this about me. Have I hurt them in the past because I chose to read or write over calling them or spending the evening out with them?
Do books and/or writing consume your free time, taking you away from other things that matter to you? Do you try to reach a balance?
Do books and/or writing consume your free time, taking you away from other things that matter to you? Do you try to reach a balance?
4 comments:
I think you're showing your daughter that the inner world is something very important to you. That's great. If you feel a need to reach out and spend more time with friends, that's a good awareness. Do it for yourself. Everyone needs balance, and there's no perfect way to raise kids. Be yourself and trust your intuition.
I totally get what you are saying - I was that same kid growing up. I'm still that way. Give me a choice - a day with the girl friends or a day by myself reading a book - I choose a book every single time. Anytime I have to myself - which is rare with 3 kids - I will pick up a book.
I think once we are comfortable with who we are, others will accept us for that. If they can't - then it's not a real friendship.
If it makes you really happy I wouldn't stop doing it.
Thanks for sharing this! I have always felt guilty for prefering to be by myself vs. with even my good friends...blaming my introverted insecurities for long-lost friendships. I look back on my life thus far and see friendships in chapters: high school, college, post-college, grad school, grown-up. Truly, only one dear friend has stayed with me from on chapter to the next. But I agree with skyesofblue. If the way we are living our lives, whether it be surrounded by friends or alone with a book, we should just keep on keeping on.
PS Congratulations on the baby! Yay!
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