A Better Mom, A Better Writer

Some nights, long after I get my girls to bed and sleep doesn't come to me, I toss and turn and then the question comes to my mind: what could I have done better today. My best mommy moments definitely don't happen at the end of the day. With my husband deployed and my girls waking frequently during the night, I am exhausted by dinner time.

The 15 minute interval it takes to get my girls upstairs and ready for their bath is sometimes my least favorite time, because they want to run around being banshees and I just want to be alone. I feel horrible if I snap and bark to get them upstairs. In the back of my head I know I could do it better, but I'm too depleted of fun energy to make it an adventure for them.

Once they're in the tub it's all giggles again, because what is cuter than two little naked kids splashing and laughing in the tub together! Still those 15 minutes of "tired, unhappy mama" time stay with me when I can't fall asleep in bed. What can I do different? Not just in those 15 minutes, but throughout the day.

I regret the time my children spend watching television. I feel guilty if I haven't gotten down on the floor to play with them much.

But then I also ask myself "What can I do different for me?" If I am this tired, doing this all alone, despite having preschool, a Mom's Morning Out once a week, and a babysitter, then what can I change. Actually when an optimal week works out (no one is sick, so I get the breaks with preschool, Mom's Morning Out, and a babysitter) then I have more patience and energy. But those kind of weeks don't always happen.

When I start to question myself as a mommy the conversation usually rolls around to me. Am I happy? Am I doing enough for myself? Why am I not writing more? How can I become a better writer? How can I get more time for myself?

I haven't read too many books on parenting, maybe just one (How to Raise Your Spirited Child). I certainly have read a lot of books on this list for the 50 Books That Will Make You a Better Writer! Each one gives me a new insight into writing and myself as a writer. I crave books on writing, so a list like this one is a valid resource for someone like me. But why don't I feel the need to read books on parenting?

I don't feel like I am SuperMom. I know I have faults. I am all too aware of the struggles and challenges with parenting. And yet, perhaps I am more confident as a mom since I don't need to read books about parenting. Or maybe I am just too chicken to read them in fear that I might realize I am doing so many things wrong?

This post may make it sound like I am either a horrible mom, or I think of myself as a horrible mom. This isn't how I feel or see myself all day long. It's just those tiny snapshot moments of when I break and am not at my best that bother me.

I hope my children's happiness and love of life somehow reflect a bit of me as their mother. I hope some day they might also reflect bits of me as a woman, a writer, a lover of learning and life, and a spiritual being.

I wonder if reading parenting books might help me feel better about those not so good mommy moments. Reading books on how to become a better writer certainly make me feel better. How come I can't get myself to walk over to the parenting help aisle at the library to even browse the parenting books? Maybe I will. Someday.