Soon after hearing the news that I am going to have a third daughter, like on the drive home from the ultrasound office, a question popped up in front of me as I watched two teenage girls walk down the sidewalk in barely there clothing: How do I prepare my daughters for their future?
How many times in a day are we as women bombarded with how we should look and act and feel? So many that I've lost count. I'm grateful we don't have cable; it means my daughters aren't exposed to this form of media.
But it's all there, waiting for them: the billboards, the fashion magazines, the ads, the Internet, their peers... Of course, we can't live in a bubble.
My mom taught me from early on the value of looking someone in the eye during a conversation. From this, I learned the importance of the conversation: the kind of conversation - the realistic kind.
So during my drive home and feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising three daughters in today's world, I realized conversations can start early. I'm not talking about serious conversations that unsettle a four-year-old and two-year-old, but conversations nevertheless to help them as they grow up in today's world.
I've always parented from the style of 'learning as we go along.' But this time, I decided I didn't want to get it wrong, so I bought a parenting book: Five Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, by Vicki Courtney. Vicki Courtney's book, Five Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, captured me from the beginning.
(I've only read one parenting book prior to now: Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, when my husband and I were seeking answers to why our colicky daughter transformed into a high-spirited little girl with amazing talents who keeps us on our toes. And it was a tremendous help! But since then, I haven't picked up another parenting book.)
When images like this pop up in the media:
my first reaction is to laugh.
These beautiful women have been Photoshopped so obviously that it looks so unreal, so fake it is laughable. But then the serious side of me kicks in and the sunny side fades way into a somber mood.
My girls, many girls, don't know that images are skewed, changed, altered, airbrushed, chopped, and chiseled. What they see is, in their minds, real.
Society and the media keep us in a vicious cycle of wanting and teasing and disappointing and searching. But a mom is not helpless, we are quite powerful actually. My mom is a role model for this.
Sure I grew up wishing I had straight hair instead of corkscrew curls, size A or even B instead of a C, an hourglass shape instead of a rectangle, and of course, a smaller nose. But I didn't lose sleep over my wishes, I didn't have an eating disorder thankfully, and I didn't go the route of changing my appearance to make myself into the ideal female body projected by the media. And I thank my mother for keeping me on course. She taught me what was important: my self, my inner me, my character.
She made me strong.
She gave me a gift, the power of belief in oneself.
And it all came about through conversations. The power of words astounds me.
So for my next five posts I am doing a series on five conversations I have with my own daughters. Five conversations that stem from Vicki Courtney's book and how even conversations with my little ones may help guide them on the right path.
3 comments:
Love this! Can't wait to read your posts!
Clearly your mother's parenting and open communication is making you a better parent. In my case, I did have an eating disorder which my mother refuses to this to acknowledge. But through it all, I know that it's because of my trials and tribulations (I just like using those words!) my dauther and i have an entirely different relationship than me and my mother....and all of this to say, isn't it funny how our childhoods shape who we are as parents. I know it's obvious, but when I read posts like yours, I'm reminded of the importance of discussion and honesty with my daughter. So, fantastic post!
Firstly-- Thank you for stopping by my blog!
Secondly-- YES. EXACTLY. I seriously think about this all the time, and have many conversations with "my" kids (a boy, 8 and girl, 11) about expectations based on gender, how we're taught we need to look/act a certain way, etc. Very little makes me happier than when they notice things themselves. And really? The most important thing, I think, is just TALKING about it, not pretending it doesn't exist. Your kids are lucky to have you!
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