While teaching honors biology to 9th graders, I discovered several of my female students were reading graphic fiction books about young women who had s.e.x.ual encounters on a serious, scary side: violence, abuse, underage rape, etc. My students admitted they liked reading about violent s.e.x.This moment froze in time for me: How does a teacher, a writer, a parent relate to today's teens?
This discovery came before I had children, before I had two daughters, soon to be three. The discovery stills hurts my heart today for many reasons: Why did these girls like this type of book? Why were their parents in the dark? What if I need to be a super sleuth to discover what my daughters are secretly reading?
I don't relish the idea of being a Detective Mom.
At the moment, mysteries need to be solved...
Is that puppy pee or little girl pee? Does it matter?
Why is there a third of the fish tank water on the floor and rug?
Why are all of your clothes out of your dresser drawers, again?
Who is it running down the hallway to my bedroom at 3a.m.?
Where is your other shoe? It's time to leave.
I don't envision such simple mysteries to be solved in my future.
The mysteries will deepen in complexity, both emotionally and mentally.
Being the bookworm that I am, I know every single book on my daughters' bookshelves. I should, I bought almost all 900 of them.
But maybe I won't know every single book they read when they are teenagers. They'll go to the library without me. Their friends will loan them books at sleepovers. And maybe I will find myself leaning more on the side of trusting them, than prying through their bookcases and under their mattresses and inside their school bags.
I do know I don't want my daughters to read the kinds of books that my students were glued to.
I do know I would not allow it.
But I don't think I will be strict and demand to know every single title my daughters' choose to read. I'll probably have other worries about them on my mind, than what books they are reading. Because, honestly, who would ever think that a young teenage girl would want to read a book like the ones my students were reading.
But now I know that it is a possibility.
At least I have ten years to go, maybe less, until I have to begin worrying about that.
Right?
Maybe if I am Detective Mom one day in the distant future my superhero-loving daughters will just laugh and say, "Mom, it's alright. We're making the right choices. Don't worry."
If you are reading this daughters (the year is probably 2021), please know I do trust you and I love you so much, but please reassure me that you are making the right choices.
Love, Mama (that's what you called me when you were 4 and 2)
14 comments:
When I read books, I always do it with a mother's eye now. I think when my kids get older, I will just want to know WHY they would want to read something like that. Great post.
I don't have children yet but I definitely will monitor what they read as young children. I think if parents teach their children when they are young then as the kids get older, they will make those right choices even when reading books that have questionable content. It worked for me. My mom was a Detective mom but she taught me WHY I shouldn't read certain things for example the relations between a man and woman is private and should be respected as such. Even now as an adult it has become natural for me to skip past any "private" moments in a novel. Teach them now and you wont have to worry when they get older. That's my motto (but then I don't have kids yet :D)
I haven't actually thought about this aspect of mothering - yet. And the thought scares me a little. That, and the Internet. Parenting is so challenging, isn't it?
Great post! I actually had a similar discussion with a co-worker whose response was "at least she is reading", um...I didn't know what to say to that. I can hope that my children will make the right choices, and I will monitor more closely what they are reading.
It's fine to be a Detective Mom, you want to know what they are doing and what they are reading so you can be there for them when they stray off base a bit. Kids will always look to read something that's verboten, not because they aren't good kids, but, they are curious and need to know what's on the "other side" of the "good books".
All you can ever do as a parent is to teach them the right things, read with them, answer their hard questions as best as you can, and just be there to pick them up when they fall off whatever.
Be a detective, it's in their best interest and ours.
This is how I got back into YA reading. My girls are fifteen. I read the novels that they read. I used to read them in advance but I don't feel the need to do that now. Now we read each others books as recommendations.
My kids are 19 and 21 now and are both voracious readers. When they were younger, I kept an eye on what they read. It does become impossible at one point, though. Although I'd be the last to say I'm a perfect mother, I always tried to keep communication lines open and I think that's what helps when it comes to thinks inappropriate for a certain age. I thought that if a child always feels like they can talk to me about anything, no matter how it makes ME squirm,it may give me the opportunity to offer my two cents about the issue - whether it's a book or a life issue. Loved your post. Today's world is much different than the one I grew up in reading Nancy Drew, that's for sure...
As per Alison's comment - I find the internet way scarier than books!
With regards to reading... my kids are now teenagers. They have so much homework they rarely have time to read for pleasure - which saddens me greatly but does cut down on how much I have to worry about what they're reading on the side. (On the other hand, they have books assigned for school that I would never choose for them to read - The Life of Pi at 13? Not if it was up to me. But that's a whole different argument!) Getting back to keeping watch, I guess I've been lucky. My kids don't choose those kinds of books. I think they find them disturbing. But I can see how some kids might. There might be a certain curiosity, and reading about it might satisfy that curiosity at a safe distance. Also, not every child has been fortunate enough to grow up surrounded by love and safety. For some, these kinds of books may provide understanding, information on how to survive, hope. Even for our kids, they may provide understanding about what others go through and a platform for discussion with us.
Like practically everything my 7 year old watches, I've watched. We talk about it so I can see where her innocent little head is at.
I do the same with books. Right now, it's all about dinosaurs. As she gets older, she may find other things to read. My prayer is that the investment I do in being involved now will pay off with her understanding my interest in the things she reads as she becomes a young woman.
I loved Angela's comment: "My prayer is that the investment I do in being involved now will pay off with her understanding my interest in the things she reads as she becomes a young woman."
I also fear Alison's comment about the Internet.
But I keep coming back to how important our rolls are know as a perent. Guiding them as best we can so that they can make the right choices when they are older.
If it's any consolation, I never read those books as a teen girl. You give your daughters good choices, you love them...they will make good choices too :)
What you are doing now, what they are reading today is influencing what they will be choosing in 10years from now. Think Mama detective can put her feet up.
You know, I was just thinking about this because I volunteered in my son's school library & although he's only it kindergarten it's for the elementary and middle school. So there were a lot of "mature" titles in that library. I have no idea how you monitor that because as you know, even some of the classics have themes or content that's not suitable for younger readers. I do worry about that.
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