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| My daughter running through a corn maze in British Columbia |
As a new, overwhelmed mom to a colicky baby I spent most days in the dark, running through what felt like a labyrinth without a beginning nor an end.
Why was my daughter screaming and crying all day and all night?
How did I not lose myself entirely in being a mother?
Why was I my own Goblin King?
Four years later and I am safely outside of that maze, no longer lost in the labyrinth of being a new mom.
My high-spirited four-year-old enters labyrinths of her own as she tries to understand rules, discipline, the tides of emotions, the absence of her deployed father, friendships at preschool, and the tug-o-war between independence and wanting mommy.
Unlike the innocence encapsulated inside my daughter's labyrinths, we adults may feel the Goblin King breathing down our unshielded necks at various points of our lives.
Most of the time the Goblin King isn't David Bowie, but ourselves.
I push myself to keep the day on schedule: shoes on before we leave the door, potty flushed, nap time rigid, TV as limited as possible, sugar off limits, outdoor time maximized, bed time as soon as possible, night time stories kept to three...
But who am I kidding?
What is the labyrinth I am trying to solve?
Why do I put pressure on myself?
Our days are actually far from a kept schedule. We go to the car barefoot, we flush when there's a brown deposit, naps may occur in the car, an entire movie may be watched while consuming not one, but two Dum Dums, we blow bubbles in the backyard for only a few minutes before my daughters want to go back inside, my girls watch an episode of Blues Clues with me while eating popcorn and staying up a half hour later, I read an extra book, I tell one more story...
But my day still feels like a maze at times.
Trying to navigate the uncharted waters of my oldest as her emotions sway to the extremes within the hour.
Being "on" 24/7 during this deployment.
Reminding myself that my time with my girls is our time, even if I am longing to sit in my writing chair and write.
Wondering how I'll gain back my confidence in my body one day.
Working towards living more simply with less "things" in our lives.
Perhaps our labyrinths evolve over time, a new one always dancing before us just as we exit the last one, eager to infold us in its walls.
Do you walk through labyrinths every day? What mazes are your children trying to solve?
8 comments:
What a perfect way to describe parenting. It's a constant weaving, shifting often times topsy turvy. I'm just like you...we all strive to be the 'perfect' mother but there's nothing fun about that. For us or our children. It's way more fun to be spontaneous! Really enjoyed this post.
If I had those early years of parenting to do over again, I probably wouldn't do much differently. I'd be the same crazed mom, but I'd do it without the guilt.
Yes, I'd read the books again, look at the scheduled moms and strive to be like them, but if I didn't quite "get there," I'd feel NO guilt or stress or inadequacy.
I've accepted the reality that we all parent in ways that are somewhat indicative of our personalities; that ice cream at a time too close to dinner is okay for some, but an absolute NO for other. :)
I hear you. As fast as we find our way out of one maze, we end up in another. My daughters are fifteen now. We've got changing relationships, fights for independence and 'what should I be when I'm grown up?'. We'll get there, but some days it doesn't feel like it :-)
This is so true. Just when you think you have one thing figured out it all changes on you. I love what January said, that sometimes you just have to be spontaneous.
What an interesting, thought-provoking read this was. I can totally relate to the kind of parenting you face. We may set all the rules but most of the time we just have to go with the flow. But I do feel the rules are necessary to keep us on track in the labyrinth of parenthood.
That is a perfect metaphor for life, especially considering we only know what's just in front of us, not what may be lurking around the corners. I wish you the best of luck in navigating your own labyrinths!
Yes, you are so right...parenting is an ever-changing labyrinth. As soon as you get used to something, it changes again.
Great post, Kim!
Motherhood will always be a dance of the labyrinth to me. Every time I think I have it down - that I have gained enough "experience" to know what I'm doing is right, I get a reminder that there is still so much more that I need to learn and don't know.
It's a constant struggle to feel like I am doing everything that needs to be done. And all that I really know is that I am trying to do my best.
I try not to let myself worry too much about a day that goes by that maybe the TV was on a little more than it should be. Or maybe I didn't handle a problem quite as well as I should have. Sometimes I find myself dwelling on these things and I think, "Why?" Move on. Try to enjoy where I'm at.
Easier said than done though...
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