From the time our first daughter arrived we have been told the same thing over and over:
"She is a mini-me of your husband!"
And four years later it is still true. Her face, her expressions, and most of all, her personality.
The presence of my oldest daughter makes it feel as if my husband is still here every day with me, despite the thousands of miles that separate us during his deployment.
So one would assume that since I love and understand my husband, raising his mini-me would be a piece of cake.
But I am finding myself more and more encircled in the yin yang relationship with her.
Maybe it is just her age. Maybe it is the effect of her father's absence on her. Or maybe it's me?
Whatever the matter, my heart and mind struggle with understanding her, with knowing what method of discipline will work with her, with comprehending what is best for my high-spirited daughter. And because of this struggle, my heart aches, wanting her to know that I love her so incredibly much even if it doesn't seem like I do when we are at odds.
While I try to engage her in raising caterpillars or playing in a water puddle,
my daughter is seeking the thrill of pretending to be Spiderman or wanting to watch more TV or imagining riding a rollercoaster.
While I seek silence and a calm moment,
my daughter races around, pretending to be a musketeer or a superhero.
While I cave under attention,
my daughter shouts, "Look at Me!" all day long.
We aren't opposites, but we do compliment each other. My actions and words feed her, replenishing her spirit. And in the same moment, she does the same for me.
I love my daughter for who she is. I love that she knows all of the superheros by name and wants to build a pedal car from scratch with her daddy once he gets back home. I love that she dreams of being a volcanologist to experience the thrill of being inside a volcano. I love that she is fascinated by motion and thrills and excitement.
I love that she has dreams of her own.
And I believe that I know and understand her, but it doesn't always seem easy to do so.
With my own mini-me, our second daughter who is two, it's really easy to get inside her mind and know what's going on. And maybe that makes it that much more challenging to get inside my oldest daughter's mind?
I don't always get it right with her. I don't always give her enough hugs or attention. And I don't always have enough patience to watch her try to blow up a balloon over and over while she says, "Mommy, watch this," and follows me around the house, wanting me to watch her do it for the 1,000th time.
At the end of the day, especially if it's a day where I've had to be hard on her, I just want my daughter to know one thing: that I love her with all of my heart, and I'm trying to understand her.
17 comments:
Isn't this true of so many important relationships in our lives? We wonder why our signals cross... what we can do better next time. My oldest is a lot like me...yet we clash. I've put my head on my pillow many nights praying for the ability to do it better tomorrow. Yet, I'd throw myself in front of a bus for him.
You are pointing out the most amazing thing about kids, they are really their own person, right from the beginning. We can all go back and forth about environment versus nature, but, two kids raised the same, and treated the same (as if that were possible), can be so different in personality. I think that is great, otherwise they really would be just mini-me's and where's the fun in that?
My daughter was always low key, but, stubborn as a mule, not disagreeable, just entrenched. She is now a teacher and when we talk about her Pre-K kids, it's still apparent that she will take a stand and stick to it.
I have two brothers, one is 16 months younger and the other 8 years younger; we are so very different from one another with very different personalities.
The fun of all this is to enjoy the differences and love them every which way you know how.
It's so nice to read about your girls' different personalities here. I guess no two kids are the same, even when they are twins. My kids are also showing very different personalities and I find it interesting as well as frustrating when it comes to handling their emotions and behaviours. Kids, they make our lives a whole lot more fun and exciting!
Awww, you have a beautiful daughter, and yes - she does look just like your hubby! I'm not a mother, but it's been clear to me for a long time that parenting is a tough gig. There are no set rules that work with every kid, no instruction manuals, and each child has their own special personality and set of needs. I wouldn't worry too much, though - my mother and I are like that, but I know without a doubt that she loves me, and I'm sure your daughter knows she is loved very much by you.
The important thing is that you love both your girls, and you're doing your best within your circumstances. I think you're doing a lovely job!
What a lovely post - your children sound beautiful.
I think, regardless of whether a child is more like you or more like your husband, they all have moments where loving them and understanding them seem harder than they should be, and other moments where it's so easy it just happens and you wonder why it can't be that way all the time. I feel like one of the nice things about having more than one child is that when one is difficult usually at least one of the others is less so and helps you maintain your balance and sanity :)
I need to go back to reading your posts in the evening, you always make me cry. But I wake up and look forward to checking your blog, so maybe not. Anyway it is Happy tears.
I wrote a while ago about my son and I being opposites. You see I am such a outdoorsy person and have mostly hobbies that apeal to males so I thought having a son was going to be a breeze. Not sure if he takes after his dad, since men tend to fake it to impress women. Well, the longer I know my husband the more I realise he does perhaps like indoors and is cautious more then he led me to believe. But judging by our son who wants to sit with a book or his favourite show on a sunny day, who refuses to jump in the mud so as not to get his boots dirty and takes his Leapster camping...
I do know for a fact his love of math must be some bizarre skipped gene!
You look so beautiful in the photo. Ultimately I decided our children are here to teach us as much as we are there to teach them. Guess you need some superhero ed and I have to skip a hike or two.
I can't relate to this post from the same place. I do have a very challenging relationship with my own mother. The beauty for me in this post is that you are trying, REALLY trying, to let each of your daughters be who they are, however hard it is for you. You're trying to relate to them as they are, rather than trying to make them relate to you through an intricate series of checks and balances they wouldn't understand anyway. I don't know from first-hand experience, but that has to be one of the hardest things about rearing children. The inner conflict you have means you're doing it right.
Oh, and your photo is lovely.
Oh, yes...I can so relate to the "Mama watch this!" all day long. She sounds like she would fit in very well with my super-hero-loving-run-around-crazy-all-day-long boys!
I sure wish I could reply to each comment individually, but I can't figure out how to do that with Blogger.
It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone in the struggle of trying to understand our own children. I love that they do have their own unique personalities, and I agree Lou, it is so clear how much genetics drives this in people! Genetics is my favorite subject :) But it makes me feel like since I gave birth to my girls I should be able to figure them out. But they are a mystery to me at times, but I think in a way I love that because it shows how amazing and unique each person is. I used to think how great it would be if my children were as fascinated with nature and science as me, but now I am realizing how much they are teaching me about other aspects of life that previously didn't interest me, but seen through their eyes, it is interesting :)
Hello from a fellow campaigner :)
Letting them be who they want to be is surprisingly challenging, and so much fun. It makes every day a surprise - usually a good one :)
As Lou said, kids are their own person, and some of them assert this sooner than others. It must be hard with your husband away.
I am a fellow non-fiction writer campaigner. Pleased to meet you.
Denise
I know exactly what you mean. My son kind of the same in that he wants to tell me EVERYTHING all at once and to watch television with him when he knows I'm doing something else. I do tell him often that I love him, so he knows that even when we're not seeing eye to eye that I do care.
BTW - I don't think your profile is linked to your blog icon thingie. I tracked you down through Rach's linky.
What a touching post! I love your blog header, it's quite lovely. Fellow campaigning and wanted to drop in for a hello! ~Candy Lynn
I don't know why I thought my children would be just like me,,,,they're not.
It's so hard when your kids don't react or respond like you might to a situation. My oldest - my only daughter - is more of a Tom Boy. I have 3 kids and she is my only daughter. The daughter I dreamed of going shopping with, the daughter I would paint toenails with, the daughter who would dress up in my shoes and jewelry... yet she doesn't. Not one bit. She has no interest in those things. And what I try to do now is search for our similarities... because there ARE some, they just aren't what I was originally looking for.
And in searching for our similarities I have found out some new things about myself too.
Your daughter is YOU too... just maybe not in the way you thought she would be. She may look like your husband, she may act more like your husband... but find that one thing that she likes that YOU also like... and your golden. For my daughter and I, it is books and sports. (Not what I envisioned as a mom to a girl... but I LOVE it and her more then ever because of that commonality!)
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