A Volcanologist, A Dinosaur Hunter, and A Mommy

Day Four of a Blog Series on Conversations with My Daughters

"Conversation 4: It's OK to Dream about Marriage and Motherhood!"

In case you missed it, I am doing a five post blog series on conversations with my daughters. After reading Vicki Courtney's book, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, I decided to reflect on how each conversation takes place between me and my daughters (ages almost-4 and 2).

The course of families over time shows humans going from large, clan-like families (hunters and gathers) to nuclear families to single-parent families. My daughters have friends who live with neither parent, who live with not only their parents but grandparents and aunts and uncles as well, and who live in more than one home with a set of parents in each home.

My daughter of almost four years notices these differences. So naturally, the question of why families are different comes up, and our conversation sways towards marriage.

"Mommy," my daughter asks me, "when will I get to have a baby?"

My answer comes without thinking: "Once you fall in love and get married, Sweetie." 

"When will I get married?"

"Not until you are a lot older."

I close the car door and glance at her preschool, wondering what she heard today, what she learned from her friends. 

"Mommy," she asks as I sit in my seat and start the car, "Who will I marry?" 

"Someone you really love a lot, so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with him."

"I want to marry Daddy," she says in all seriousness. 

I smile in the rear view mirror at my daughter. She gazes out her window, turning over in her mind any ideas she has about marriage and love and babies (at her young age, I hope it is all magical and simple).

I look at myself in the mirror and see the crows feet at the corner of my eyes. I begin to drive home.

During the drive I dissect my conversation:

• Does she need to know it's possible to have a baby without love, without marriage?
• Is it right to promote the idea of loving just one person for the rest of your life?
• Should I teach her that she has to be old (enough) to do all of those things?
• Am I only showing her a conservative view of love and marriage? 
• Should I tell her that marriage and love can happen between women and men as well as between individuals of the same gender?
• What if I don't teach her about the love I hope she has one day?

I grew up in a nuclear family. My parents are still married to each other. My mom stayed home to raise us. My dad and mom did not go on fancy vacations alone or buy fancy things for themselves; they gave my sisters and me their time, their energy, their support, and all of their love. And I have always associated their love, their marriage, their parenting style as the major foundation of our family.

It is a given, that I want this for my children. I want their future as adults to be as happy as that of my parents and me.

My daughter recently told me her ambitions. 

"When I grow up I want to be a volcanologist, a dinosaur hunter, an astronaut, a fashion designer, and a mommy. I want to be it ALL!" 

To which I reply, "You can, Sweetie."

I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, because I loved coming home each day from school knowing my mom would be there, opening the door and giving me a hug. I felt safe in our house. Friends came over who did not wish to open their door to an empty house. I didn't have to worry about the pressure to drink or do drugs or have sex at my house, because my mom was home. 

And she was truly home, she was there getting my friends and me a snack and asking us about our school day. Not in an attempt to be buddy buddy, but as a mother trying to communicate with children.

I may not be opening the door to all of the possibilities of love and marriage and motherhood for my daughters right now. But I am showing them one form of love and marriage and motherhood, the form I chose for myself, the kind that feels right for me. And I honor it by sharing it with my daughters every day.

I hope one day my daughters will find love, but I have a hope that is bigger than that for them: I hope one day my daughters will love themselves.

I hope one day my daughters will marry if that is what they wish.

I hope one day my daughters will have children if they desire them.

I hope one day that if my daughters come asking me a question about love and marriage and motherhood, that I can answer them truthfully and honestly from my heart.

And for more posts by other bloggers that angle in on our mother's teachings, please stop by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop today!