Day Five of a Blog Series on Conversations with My Daughters
"Conversation 5: Girls Gone Wild Are a Dime a Dozen - Dare to Be Virtuous"
In case you missed it, I am doing a five post blog series on conversations with my daughters. After reading Vicki Courtney's book, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, I decided to reflect on how each conversation takes place between me and my daughters (ages almost-4 and 2).
I wonder why this final conversation in Vicki Courtney's books should have me the most concerned. Why should this conversation worry me more than "The Talk"?
Perhaps it is because I was the 'good girl' growing up. I didn't do drugs, smoke, lose my virginity, cheat, lie, steal or runaway from home. I'm not saying I was perfect. I was moody, stubborn, way too independent, and not willing to give up my alone time to be with friends. But by the time I left for college, I don't believe I really caused too much heartache for anyone, except myself.
It was hard to feel unhappy with myself. To see all of my girl friends having prom dates and boyfriends. To see the wild side of teenagers come to the surface with a beer in their hands, their inhibitions let loose. To see my peers pass through obstacles by using aids that I couldn't overcome because I chose to remain virtuous.
What was wrong with me? (a question I asked myself at that time)
It was a rough time. I was glad to leave adolescence behind.
This is why I dread this conversation with my daughters. This is why reading Vicki's last part of her book is so important, for me.
My daughters are too young to have role models in the real world. Tomorrow, they may esteem to be like Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez or Vanessa Hudgens. I hope it will be Hermione Granger, but that's just me. For now, however, Dora, Velma and Daphne, Ruby, and Hello Kitty are their role models.
They don't know about "Girl Power" yet.
They don't see "sexy" or "conservative."
They haven't met a "Diva."
In their small real world, the females they can look up to include me, their grandmothers, their aunts, their teachers, and their babysitter.
My oldest daughter sees an older girl doing some serious making out with a boy in the neighborhood pool next to our house. She asks, "Why are they doing that?" and I tell her, "I guess they like each other a lot." But I hold back on saying my opinion, "but they shouldn't be doing it there."
My daughter asks me, "Can I pull my dress down to be off my shoulders like Belle's? Can I show my boobies?" and I look at the Disney princesses in their gowns, who yes show their shoulders and an ample chest. "Sweetie, you can pull it down a little bit, but we don't show our boobies."
My daughter asks, "When can I get my ears pierced?" and I answer, "When you are older."
Are these minute conversations the building blocks of being virtuous? In my heart, I don't believe so. I feel that my examples, the examples of the women in my daughter's lives, show and teach my daughters more than words, at this point in time.
I should clarify one thing: I am not worried that my daughters may one day have a reputation. I'm not concerned what others think of my daughters. And I certainly am not secretly hoping my daughters will be perfect.
I have one main worry: Will my daughters be happy with who they choose to be?
I pray they will make smart choices.
I hope they will always be safe and healthy.
I hope they will have friends who influence them in positive ways.
I hope they will have great role models.
But mostly I pray that they will be happy.
5 comments:
I hear ya! I want happiness for my daughter, but it's such a different generation than ours...well, mine. I think young girls nowadays are far more confident and independent than I was. I did rely on boys for validation. My 11 year old daughter is so focussed on her goals, I truly think she'll be ok.
PS: Thanks for the beautiful comment you left me. Just for the record, I am not a comedian, and in real life, I'm as funny as a slug. I'm one of those that hours later, will think, "Gah! I should have said that!"
I comfort myself by believing morals and beliefs start at home. Yet-what I wouldn't give to cocoon my kiddos up in bubble wrap!
Oh I am wrestling with this too. I, too was a good girl. Now I find myself a single mom and for the first time, I am embarking on a new relationship. Certainly, now that I'm older, I'm equipped to handle things differently than I did at 17, but I have to be oh so careful about the example I set for my children, especially my daughter.
I feel like I am setting an example every day for my girls, and it is a good reminder for me to be the person I really want to be. My girls definitely keep me centered! Thank you everyone for your comments, they really are helpful in this journey of figuring it all out with daughters :)
I read Vicki Courtney's book last year. After reading your discussion, I feel drawn toward reading it again. My daughters are 15, 13, and 11. The oldest hasn't expressed a strong interest in dating yet, and I'm glad. She's probably on the path that you were on as a youth.
Your feelings were interesting to read because I don't want any of them to be bored or to feel like they're missing out if they decide to remain abstinent. I guess we all just have to handle situations as they come. I had a hard time with seeing cleavage on my daughters. They hardly show any, but just the pinch that I see gave me cause for concern. They think nothing about it; just a part of being feminine. So I just continue to "monitor." :)
Bottom line, as you said, is for them to be happy and at peace about who they are; although we must guide because they are not mature enough to know how they will feel later about the choices they make now.
Didn't know I would write that much!
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