More Than One Identity

"The child goes through the full-time mother like a dye through water: there is no part of her that remains uncoloured."

Rachel Cusk in "Aftermath"

Published in Granta, Spring 2011

In the blogosphere, it's an all-too-common statement we hear from blogging mothers:

I lost myself in motherhood.

I know I did. Not just after my first was born. But also after my second came into the world.



The "full-time mother" Rachel Cusk refers to in her heart-wrenching, provocative memoir piece is that of a mother who stays home to raise her children. By staying home, she suggests these mothers struggle to have more than one identity, we live through our children.

Our children are the center of our universes.

After giving birth to my second daughter, I desperately needed more than one identity, more than the two I struggled to maintain (mother and wife). I needed me back.

That struggle, it's a hard one, for any stay-at-home parent. A daily game of tug-o-war between ourselves and with our children. I've played cards with the Pushmi-Pullyu Fickle Beast too often.

But then I stop and ask myself: 

What is all the fuss about? 

Why am I fighting? 

What am I fighting?

Am I struggling to be identified as more than "just a stay-at-home mom" as some people refer to me as? 

Why am I so defensive about it? 

Is there something wrong with a mother who dedicates herself to her children?

What about the moms who have lots of identities? 

Are they struggling with their identity as a mother, too?

I've read many essays on motherhood written by women generations ago, and they too had struggles. But some of them write about their day-to-day routine: cleaning, cooking, ironing, entertaining (all for the husband) and child-minding, feeding, clothing, and teaching (all for their children). These few women who wrote about their lives did have that as an outlet: writing. But how important was it to them?

I can't assume to know what every women feels and experiences. At the end of the day I only know one thing: me, my struggles with motherhood and identity.

Some days I think of it as self-preservation: the act of keeping myself afloat and not self-destructing.

Other days I see it as a fluid mosaic of balance: the act of enjoying the prism being a woman has to offer. Our children may be the light, shining through us, so that we can see the array of colors we as women hold within.


Why is the struggle to balance being a mother, wife, writer, woman, spiritual being so important to me? 
      Because life is precious. Our time on Earth is limited. The universe is infinite. I want to have the most rewarding life I can make for myself, and that includes being a mother, a wife, a writer, a bookworm, an artist, a naturalist, a teacher, a woman, and a spirit.




How important is it for you to have more than one identity? Are you comfortable in your skin?