Attention Please

Although I'm sure it has been a slow progression, with gradual highs and gradual lows, it FEELS like at the stroke of midnight when my toddler turned two everything changed right away. Well, maybe not everything, but many things that is for certain.

One of the major influences on her mood now is attention. She seeks it. Needs it. And completely freaks out if she gets it.

Ayla thrives on dancing for others, climbing impossible feats in front of an audience, chirping like a bird (it sounds like a pterodactyl screeching - did they screech?) in stores, and sprinting circles around crowds of people. But put one person in front of her who gives her eye to eye contact, or winks or smiles or says hello, and watch out, she goes from smiling and showing off to yelling, crying, and throwing a tantrum like a sideways tornado.

To maintain my sanity I have to put myself in her shoes, when they were size 4.5.

Did I seek attention? Did I need attention?

My memory doesn't go back that far, but from the perspective of a writer-mama I do recall my feelings about attention during my school years...

As an elementary student I did thrive on attention given to my writing. If my teacher chose to read my story aloud to the class I floated on Cloud Nine all the way home, bouncing on my chair during dinner as I shared my glory with my family, and feeling inspired to read and write the rest of the week.

By middle school, however, I hovered over my writing. I protected it. I didn't want anyone to read it, because it was too personal, too serious, too mine, too vulnerable.

During high school I still felt this same way about my writing, but my grip on it loosened slightly so that I could put it out there for critique, for recognition. I only did this, however, with my best writing pieces, so only a few pieces were shared with others.

College and high school passed with writing less personal and more professional, scientific pieces that were easy to share but didn't receive much attention.

And now, as a writer-mama, I don't have too many people in my life who I share my writing with. My husband and my parents often see my manuscripts before I send them out. Recently I did seek attention within a critique group of a writing course for a manuscript, and wow! the constructive critique I received helped me take the writing piece much further.

What has truly been the biggest eye opener for me is blogging. We gain attention in a way that is different from the attention we received for our writing during our school days. We do expose ourselves, our writing out in the open makes us vulnerable, and yet this attention is welcomed because we are a community of writers and parents supporting one another.