Rachael of Rach Writes has given us an assignment to write a short story in 200 words or less that begins with the phrase "The door swung open" and if we felt up to the challenge, we could try ending it with the words "the door swung shut."
So the over-achiever that reigned in me during my school days surfaced and decided to write the following fictional story of 200 words for Rachael's first campaigner challenge! Stay tuned for a future post about how this idea came to me.
Here goes...
The Abbreviated Woman
The door swung open and Sylvia sighed as she stepped over scattered puzzle pieces in her stilettos.
“Oh, you’re here,” Nick said from up the stairs, holding their 10-month-old daughter.
“Mama!” shouted their six-year-old daughter Kat. “You’re back!”
Sylvia pushed Kat down.
“Katydid, don’t wrinkle your mother,” Nick said.
Sylvia adjusted the purse on her shoulder and narrowed her eyes at Kat.
“Kat, your father tells me you aren’t talking at school.”
Kat shrugged and burrowed her head into Sylvia’s skirt.
“What’s wrong with you?” Sylvia demanded.
Kat swung her head side to side against Sylvia’s knees.
“What wrong with her?” Sylvia asked Nick.
“Probably you,” Nick answered. “She stopped talking after you left. Us.”
Sylvia stepped back, causing Kat to fall forward.
“You have to start talking. Stop being so ridiculous, Kat.”
Kat looked up at her mother and stuck out her tongue. She ran off before Sylvia felt like making the effort to stop her.
Sylvia shoved a puzzle piece away from the door.
“You’re leaving already?” Nick asked, shifting the baby in his arms.
Sylvia flicked a sharp look at him before opening the door. She breathed the fresh air. Her stilettos clicked. The door swung shut.
24 comments:
Oh boy, Sylvia's a cold customer! Talk about flying stopovers. :)
She's not very nice, is she? Wow, really interesting. Mine is #72
Wow, now that tells a million stories in one short little caper. Love the picture with the red heals walking out the door, awesome.
Reminds me so much of the moms in THE NANNY DIARIES. Good job!
Poor Kat! I wanted to scoop her up...and it's only a story! (In other words...well done!)~ Nadja
Is it a bad thing that I want to take Sylvia to a quiet little corner to have a not-so-quiet conversation with her about being a mom?
This was well written and certainly riled up the protector in me. Very good job.
Sad, and well written. Maybe they're better off without her.
Ohhhh, nasty! I really liked your title :)
Ouch! Poor Kat. They're better off without Miss Ice :-)
I love your story! Sylvia is cold-hearted and for some reason the thought of her wearing stilettos really makes it visual for me! I can hear the click-clack in my head!
Wow. It's always a really fascinating thing for me as a writer, to get inside the heads of people who do things I would never do. Nicely done!
This is a great flash of what could happen. I have part of a story written where the main character, a mom of 5, suddenly decides she can't take it anymore and leaves the kids with her somewhat absent husband.
There is a lot you could do with this exploring the why she left and the effects it would have on all of them, including her.
talk about selfish! he deserves better!
Love the title, and especially the part where he tells the little one not to wrinkle *mother*, rather than *mother's clothes*--made me think of a paper doll; someone who wasn't really real to them...since she's gone... Fantastic.
Wow! I really liked this - a very strong story. You convey so much, raise so many issues and questions, evoke our sympathy for the children - and in just 200 words!
Thank you everyone for reading this story! It's definitely a rough draft but one that I'd like to make into a short story to try and understand what is beneath the surface.
I apologize if I haven't been able to leave a comment on your story yet. I'm slowly getting to each one when my 4 and 2 year old daughters aren't pulling me away from my computer :)
Excellent character building, and great example of 'show don't tell!' Very good!
Ouch. That is one harsh woman. And not very caring since it takes her effort to want to talk to her own child.
Oh I just want to pop her one- I've never known any one like that, but I've heard stories.
Oh what a witch!! Reminded me of someone LOL:)
Aw, this made me sad for Kat. Poor kid! Great story - very emotion evoking!
Mine's #262 (http://pensuasion.blogspot.com/)
That little girl broke my heart. So much in so few words. Really enjoyed it!
Great scene - so much was conveyed there in such a short space. Liked the natural sound of the dialogue, and thought Sylvia's inability to communicate and connect with her daughter was shown well.
This is a fabulous flash. You've certainly made Sylvia seem quite hard and difficult to like. Well done.
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