Sure there are many of us who struggle with the challenges of being a mom, feeling like we aren't enough, like we can't do it, but we stick with it.
But not every mom does. Some walk away.
I recently wrote a very rough draft of a 200 word flash fiction story, titled The Abbreviated Woman, to try and capture a moment on the surface of a mom who leaves her family.
The summer before starting graduate school, I came back from the rainforest to earn some money to buy furniture and rent an apartment in St. Louis. I took on a job at a daycare, working with the 5 and 6 year old children.
One day I discovered a little girl from my class who couldn't go poop. It frightened her. She wouldn't talk about it. She actually didn't talk much at all. That day at pick-up I approached her father and mentioned it to him. I didn't expect the response he gave me:
"She's been having some issues since her mother left us."
I was a very naive 22-year-old and couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that a mother could leave her husband and child. I simply thought there was something wrong with the mother. Who could do that?
I had heard stories of husbands abandoning families, but women, no.
I have often thought of that father and daughter, hoping they found happiness and peace together.
But I have thought more about the mother, especially since becoming a mother myself. Yes, the fear of losing my children is present daily, but not consuming my entire mind and spirit. But I've never feared I couldn't handle being a mother.
How does a mother who abandons her family feel?
What is she going through in her mind when she decides to leave?
I can't imagine it is easy for any mother to make the decision to leave.
Perhaps she is unhappy and believes her children and husband would be better off without her in the picture. Maybe she wants a life living alone, to pursue what she wants in a manner she wants.
It's possible she wants to start her life over.
Why am I absorbed enough with this question to have written a flash fiction story and this post about it?
I don't really know, except that I know I never want to be apart from my children and husband. I love them more than anything in this world.
Maybe the mothers who abandon their families love their husbands and children as well.
Maybe they are following some intuition that leads them down that path.
It is a question I will never know the answer to though as I will never abandon my family.
19 comments:
I was wondering yesterday what may have been behind your short story. It is indeed unusual to see a Mother leave her children, it is always a shock when you see it.
What I have learned thru the years is to not jump too quickly to judgment without knowing more of the facts. There are always reasons for things like that to happen, and, although, we can't agree or even remotely understand how it happens, we just aren't in their shoes.
Situations and too quick judgments can come back to haunt us later in life, so it's best to live and let live without fully understanding a person's reasons for doing what they do.
When I read your story I couldn't wrap my head around a woman who could abandon her children. I guess as a mother, I could never imagine what might push me to ever leave my child.
It is a really good question. I wonder that about the fathers who abandon their families, too. How can you bring these new lives into the world and then just leave? Definitely makes you think.
I don't know what makes mothers leave their children. I know motherhood is hard, but I can't imagine ever walking away like that.
Powerful story for me. I have two stepkids who haven't seen their mother in years. It's a weird, mixed-up situation, and it breaks my heart. I do believe she loves her children in her own way, and I hope the situation can change in the future.
I think having either parent leave would be tough. As the person that has spent the most time during the day with JDaniel, I can't imagine leaving him.
Your first sentence is probably the best answer, or at least one of them.
Honestly, I've seen mothers handling their children in ways that grated against my maternal core. Truly, there are some women, no matter how many children they can give birth to, who shouldn't and aren't cut out to be mothers.
There are others who feel their families will be better off without them, just as there are mothers - like fathers - who turn the absentee leaf for their own selfish or inexplicable reasons.
I'm personally not sure how a mother goes about abandoning their child.
Your post hit me because I too have wondered this. In fact, I blogged about it a few weeks ago and my novel that's coming out later this fall is all about a mom that leaves.
It's so unusual that a mom leaves, but it happens and many women I've spoken with have entertained the idea in their head, no matter how briefly, at least once. It doesn't mean we'd do it, but the thought has flittered through.
Great post
Hi fellow campaigner and new follower here. I'm so glad to have visited today. I plan on putting together all the notes I've collected from my sister who left her family and will post it soon. I know first hand how this can happen to a seemingly perfect family. Hurting people hurt others or instead seek help to help the fractured. Although my sister didn't abandon her family. She did move 360 miles away to get the help she needed. No one could see or understand her brokeness.
I'm proud to say she's has the best heart a person can display and has fought for her children and is the best mother I've ever known. I'm so proud to call her my sister.
Hi - this was a moving post and thank you for your comments on my First Grade post (they made my day, which has been hard, a little better!) I too am totally horrified at the concept of a mother leaving her child. I always wondered for example, how Princess Di's mom could have left her to move to SA with her lover. I have heard other stories of mothers leaving - there was one in the news last year of a mom who just "had to leave" - to go pursue her life and her academic career etc. - can I tell you how this woman's choice made my blood boil? Then I had to ask myself why it made me so angry.
I don't know. There is something within us as moms that is so attached to our children - it just feels plain wrong for a mom to leave her family. It seems that it's ok for a dad to leave - but a mom? - nope.
I know every mom who leaves has her reasons and that it all goes deeper - but in your case with the little girl who was having issues, when I read the dad's response I mentally added, "...when her mom left us because I cheated on her/was an ass/am a mysoginist/drove her out" etc. - because the truth is that most moms don't just leave for no reason. Usually they have to leave for one of the above.
I'm a new visitor here. Hi, Kim! This is a fascinating topic. When my mom had my sister (I was 13), she shared her hospital room with another mom who tried to leave her baby at the hospital. My mom (a family law attorney) tried to talk her out of it. The women did walk, and ended up trying (and failing) to get her child back. I've always been very disturbed by this story, especially now that I'm a mom. I can't imagine feeling anything but love, especially right after giving birth. But for some people, the hormones and feelings don't click into place the way they're supposed to.
A very interesting post. As a mother I cannot imagine leaving my children, although I can understand how a mother can sometimes feel overwhelmed and feel the need to get away. I am toying with the idea of a mother abandoning a five year old girl in a novel I am trying to write at the moment. Initially I thought of the mother leaving because she had a dreadful disease (fatal) which will change her beyond recognition, and the fear of the unknown and desire not to let her daughter see her change was the reason she left, but I am still not sure that this would be believable.
It is sad whenever a parent leaves their family but sometimes it is for the best. I have imagined my life without children but I would never, ever want to leave my family. I love them and don't want to be away from them.
It is quiet in my house now, so I can really read and think about everyone's comments finally. Thank you everyone for sharing with me today your thoughts and feelings towards this sensitive topic. It takes me a long time (days to years) to wrap my mind around a question I have, and all of your comments are helping me towards trying to understand women (and men) who leave their families. Like Lou said, I don't want to live a life of making quick judgments. I want to try and understand people.
On BlogHer recently there was a discussion going on about if suicide is selfish, and in a way I look at this question of how can a mother abandon her family. Is it selfish or does she see in her mind as no other option but to leave for whatever reasons she has. I'm not suggesting every mother who leaves is or isn't selfish, is or isn't depressed or suffering something mentally, I think I am just trying to figure out if perhaps the mother might view her life and her future in a way that outsiders don't see or understand.
As an adult I am beginning to understand every person lives life to the march of their own beat. Everyone has their own beliefs and desires for a lifestyle of their own choosing. I like to think that we are all connected in many ways. Mothers being connected in that unique bond we have with our children. But perhaps the bond varies in strength and when life rides in all around it, other things in life become a priority or a bigger need or demand an escape...
Still thinking this through and I will forever. I am just grateful that I am happy with my life as a mom and feel so blessed to have my children with me every day.
This is one of my biggest questions too. There is a woman in my life who did it ( not my relative) and I have struggled to form a relationship with her because I cannot help but judge her. She explained it to me too, but specially now that I am a mother, I cannot understand.
Not trying to set double standards but perticulary once you have lived with your child for years, how do you leave and never look back?
Great post, I love pondering after visiting your blog!
What an interesting question... that I often wonder myself. I wonder, because I can sometimes see the desire to have your "own mom-less life back again." I hesitate to admit that - because I absolutely LOVE my family and would not even consider leaving them... BUT (and there is always a BUT) I have a very supportive husband who understands that I need a goal of my own.
Does that sound too self centered? I tend to think not... because that's what I sometimes think leads moms leaving their children (not being able to follow through on a goal they have)... in fact it is the only possible reason I can contemplate someone even considering it. Because they need to find themselves again.
Then again, I'm not there... and in the same thought I think to myself, I am not that woman.
What a thought provoking post Kim.
This is a great post. Some women become mothers without making a real, conscious decision, and later discover they are not cut out for it. Tragic.
I think this is an interesting question, and I can only imagine a woman who can leave her children must have a lot of issues going on. I could never do that.
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